The narcissistic woman – the taboo no one wants to talk about

Because „A mother can’t be like that…”

This is the biggest obstacle to recognising a narcissistic woman: society refuses to believe that she exists.

Mothers are caring. Women are empathetic. Female aggression takes the form of „gossip” or „jealousy” – which, in itself, does not constitute serious abuse.

It is this blind spot that makes a narcissistic woman particularly dangerous. Because her victims – partners, children – receive no help. Nobody believes them.

Characteristics of a narcissistic woman

Female narcissism is more often covert than overt. This is partly due to social factors: overtly dominant, self-centred behaviour is „punished” more severely in women. Consequently, narcissistic women learn to conceal their true nature.

The most common symptoms are:

1. Emotional manipulation

A narcissistic woman makes you feel guilty. She takes offence at everything and withdraws emotionally. She often punishes with silence. She doesn’t say what she wants, only that „If you loved me, you’d know what I want”. She manipulates with tears and sighs, constantly maintaining her role as the victim.

2. Relational aggression

She’s constantly spreading rumours, damaging the reputation of her partner and her children. And that of everyone around them. Whether it’s a friend, a colleague or a neighbour, they’re sure to say something – even if it’s a distortion of the truth – that casts the other person in a negative light. They exclude and isolate you, and „accidentally” forget to mention important things that affect you. They manipulate your relationships and create love triangles.

3. Competing with other women – and her own daughter

She is jealous of younger, more beautiful and more successful women, and sees her own daughter as a rival. Whatever her child achieves, the narcissistic mother may well boast about it to others – adding that it wouldn’t have been possible without her – but she does not celebrate it sincerely, only in a showy manner at best. If the child achieves even minor successes, she undermines them, because they do not serve to enhance her own prestige. She interferes in the child’s relationships and, in many cases, humiliates them in front of others in a „humorous” manner.

4. Maintaining the image of the „perfect mother/wife”

Of course, on the outside they are caring, loving and self-sacrificing. But at home they are cold, critical and controlling. Appearances are always more important than reality. What others think matters more than what those closest to them are actually going through.

The narcissistic mother

A narcissistic mother is a child’s greatest tragedy. Why? Because the child has no one to turn to. The father often fails to see it, as he is preoccupied with his own wounds. The outside world doesn’t believe it. And the child is too young to understand what is happening.

How does a narcissistic mother behave?

The child is an extension of him. The child is not a person in their own right, but „their child”. Not in a positive sense. The child is a reflection of them. The child’s success is their success. The child’s failure is their shame.

She’s competing with her child: With her daughter, it’s about beauty, success and relationships. With her son, it’s also about success, his partner’s attention and control. The point is that the child must not receive more attention than she does.

It makes you feel guilty. She makes the child believe that she does everything for them, that she suffers solely so that the child can thrive, and that if the child disobeys or fails, they will ruin their mother’s life. The child is forever „indebted” to her.

Emotionally unavailable: She ignores the child’s feelings, yet the child is often her „therapist”. The child’s needs are always secondary; they must be adapted to the mother’s needs and whims.

Conditional love: If the child performs well, they can be kind. But if the child doesn’t perform well, they lose their temper, withdraw emotionally, and punish the child with silence and coldness. This teaches the child that love is always conditional – conditional on their own terms.

The narcissistic wife/partner

How does it behave?

The beginning of the relationship is characterised by intense „love” and the feeling of „I’ve finally found my soulmate”. She commits herself quickly and entices her partner to do the same. She is irresistible; the man often feels like a „saviour” – the man on whom the WOMAN relies. And at such times, the narcissistic woman can indeed be a devoted source of support.

Once the relationship has become committed (often following marriage or the birth of their first child), she begins to criticise her partner, his appearance, his family and his work. She takes control of the household finances (even if only the man is the breadwinner), their social life and her partner’s time. She is jealous of every woman, friends and family members; she often loses her temper and makes a scene. Of course, this is only behind closed doors; in company, she chats and smiles with anyone. She manipulates everyone. Life with her is an emotional rollercoaster, an alternation of good and bad days, which can even boil down to good moments and bad days. She’s always the victim; she’s always the one who suffers the most. And she suffers because of everyone and everything, because everything has to be about her. If something doesn’t go her way, she threatens the children, threatens suicide or a scandal.

If the man wants to leave

He launches a smear campaign. He comes up with stories that will win over not only his immediate circle of acquaintances but also his wider circle. She makes a „scapegoat” out of anyone she can. She uses and sacrifices her children, manipulates those around her, and has no qualms about lying in court, to child protection services or to the police. And because she is a woman and a brilliant actress and storyteller, everyone believes her when she says, „I am the victim; the man is the abuser”.

Why is it particularly difficult to recognise?

1. Society’s blind spot

We regard women as „harmless”. A woman is, at most, dramatic, emotional, difficult – but abusive? We find that hard to get our heads around…

2. Children’s loyalty

A child wants to love their mother. Even if she is destructive. The realisation – „my mother is narcissistic” – is the heaviest psychological burden of all. Many people deny it for decades before they are able to face up to it.

3. The mother as the „sacred cow”

According to society, mothers must not be criticised. If someone says, „My mother abused me”, the response is often: „But she’s your mother! I’m sure she loved you as best she could.” The child is left completely on their own, because people don’t stop to think about what they went through over many years. How they lived their life under oppression, aggression and shame. They don’t ask the child how they are, they don’t ask what they’ve been through. They just question the child and make excuses for the mother.

That’s not helping. That’s silencing the victim.

If you had a narcissistic mother

• It's not your fault. Whatever anyone told you, however much you felt that „you were the problem” – you weren’t.
• It’s okay to be angry. Even if she is your mother.
• Please keep a safe distance. The bond with your mother does not oblige you to let it ruin your life.
• It is right to mourn. The mother you needed, but never had.

In my next blog post, I’ll be writing about this: how can you tell for sure if someone is a narcissist? What signs and patterns can help you recognise it? But, as you’ve come to expect, I’ll start with a story first.

Theo's story

Theo was a very curious little boy. He touched everything, tried everything out, and asked questions about everything. His father was a middle manager at a company; he worked long hours because his mother looked after the household. His mother had high standards, so his father worked flat out to ensure there was enough money for everything: a cleaner, a gardener, fancy cars, a big house.

Theo took up tennis and went on to achieve great success. His mum took him to training sessions and tournaments, as his dad was always at work. On the rare occasions when his father was free, it was a real treat. He loved spending time with his father because he could ask him questions; he wasn’t always tense, and he wasn’t constantly on the phone – the time they spent together was quality time.

But he was also angry with his father. Because his mother kept drumming into him that his father was surely chasing after women, and that was why he didn’t have time for him – because he didn’t love his child. And Theo accepted this with sadness.

Her parents used to argue a lot. She used to get very scared when that happened.

The day after such an argument, he fell very ill – even though he was no longer a child; he was over fourteen. Before that, his mother had also had a row with him because he hadn’t done something she’d expected him to do. In the end, his mother punished him by giving him the silent treatment. That was precisely what the argument between his parents was about.

The next day, he was lying in the living room, feeling unwell, and had fallen asleep. That was when his father came home. He happily told him he was being promoted: much more money, much greater responsibility, but less work – so he’d be able to spend more time with Theo.

But the father’s joy was short-lived. The parents had another row because his mother declared loudly that she hadn’t even taken any medicine to Theo, as he „didn’t deserve it” because of his behaviour. His father became very angry. They hurled accusations at each other. Theo didn’t move; he just listened to them.

His father finally called the doctor.

The next day, he was still very ill. He begged to be allowed to lie down in the living room. He lay there with his eyes closed; he was very weak. His mother thought he was asleep.

Then his mother rang someone on the phone. Theo heard her explaining how much she had to do because the child was ill and she couldn’t count on her husband for anything. She told a story about the promotion – but not quite as it had happened. She made it sound as though his father was merely hoping for it, but that it would never happen.

Then he rang someone else. He played the victim there too. About his father, Theo, and what had happened – nothing but lies.

Theo was old enough to realise that this was definitely not right.

When her father came home, she asked him to come into her room. And she asked him. She asked her father: ‘So what’s going on? Why are you spending so little time with her? How do you feel? What do you think? Why haven’t you left her yet?’

The answers put his mind at rest. He fell asleep. The next day, he was feeling much better.

His father was indeed promoted. He started driving him to training sessions. They always used to chat.

A year later, they decided to move house.

Theo is currently seeing a psychologist, studying for his A-levels, playing tennis and taking part in competitions. He only sees his mother at festive occasions.

He’s getting better. And at last he can ask – without having to fear the answer.